inspiration08

well… not perfect today, but things are getting better. maybe. i think? other than the damn cookies! two bowls of cornflakes with nuts and raisins and soy milk and coffee this morning, then 4 cookies (almost done with them, so i won’t be able to keep that up but i’m hoping no more!) an asian pear, yogurt and chestnuts, 45min/ 1750meter swim, then tuna/mayo rice ball, sukemono (picklen veggies) and a yakitori stick (chicken on a stick with some kind of sauce) taught a private lesson and had a latte, and then got home and ate another bowl of cereal with raisins, soy milk and nuts. still too heavy on the carbs, but things are slowly improving. had dinner from the convienience (i’m willing to bet money i just spelled that wrong) store and i think i did all right… chicken, veggies and rice with tuna. there probably was other things that might have been better, but it’s a lot better than i had been doing. 

i’m not sure what the next couple days are going to be like food and exercise wise seeing as i’m going to tokyo with a friend, but i’m going to try and do at least 45 min of some form of exercise every day and i’m going to try really hard to keep eating under control.

and again, to those of you who read and commented on my last blog, thank you!! it really does make a difference :) 

i cracked. only day two, and i already cracked. breakfast i had (again) beans, cheese, 1 taco shell, lettuce, salsa, some meat and two cups of coffee. went on an hour and a half bike ride, got back and then had a cucumber and about 3/4 cup of berries. went to work and had two peaches, about a cup of yogurt and three pieces of hard candy. late lunch/early dinner at 5 and had okanomiyaki (kind of like a pancake with cabbage, egg, squid, cheese and some mayo). went back to work and had three cookies a student had brought me (not happy about that), came home and i had about 5 hazlenuts. i’m hungry. i want to eat. *sigh* i’m thiking… eat something then a 30 min. workout and go to bed. good grief though, will i ever get there? oh- and the scale was at 56.1 this morning. not good. not good at all.

damn. i’m still not happy with myself for gaining back so much, BUT i will lose it again plus some. and then stay there! food-wise things were much better than they have been- breakfast was about two cups of coffee, black beans with two taco shells, cheese, salsa and lettuce (i know- kind of a bizarre breakfast), lunch was pasta (white though, not wheat) two quarter inch thin slices of a baguette, a salad and more coffee. “dinner”/snack was two packages of chestnuts and two peaches. and then i had a medium latte from seattle’s best.  so it’s an improvement over what i have been doing, but i still need to get better. i am happy with one thing though- on the way home tonight i thought about picking up an energy/cereal bar then opted for chestnuts instead. calorie wise they were about the same, but i think overall the chestnuts are a lot healthier. and they don’t lead to more carb cravings.

i haven’t gotten in any exercise yet, but i will as soon as i get done with this. and i just joined the triathalon challenge, so that’ll help keep me in line with the exercise right. so that’s that. and for the two of you who commented on the blog this morning- thank you! i really need the encouragement and support at the moment. it made me kind of sad this morning… when i was on the way to work i realized last summer when things seemed so easy part of the reason was my ex, toru. having that support and just being so happy in general made things just so much easier. i don’t have that now. that may be one of the reasons i’ve been putting pounds back on/ it’s been so hard to lose, but it’s time to just face it and suck it up. things aren’t the same now, and if i keep on doing what i’ve been doing, it’s going to be a very unhappy path. he’s not here anymore to lean on, so i’d better learn to just stand on my own.

well… thanks to those of you who took the time to read this!! i’m going to go get that jog in now

 update- (lol- i’m a dork!) didn’t get in the jog due to the rain, but i got in a 45 min dance dvd and about 20 minutes of an upperbody workout. and a cucumber and about a fourth? eighth? cup of blueberries. k. now i’m going to bed. night buddyslim land!

shit shit shit!!! i’m back up to 57.8 kilos… damn!!

 time to start all over again. i don’t know what is going on right now with me- maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s a bit of depression, but whatever it is, i am not going to let this take me back up to where i was. i am now 127. that’s up about 10 pounds from this winter. damnit! that means i need to drop about 20 pounds… at least. damn, i’m so pissed at myself for letting myself go back up. granted, i just weighed myself and it’s in the midde of the day, but still, it’s a decent gain even allowing for that. damn. damn damn damn. time to get your shit together, kid

good grief, today was the carb binge from hell!! this mornng- peach, black berries, yougurt and a piece of whole grain toast. then lunch- three pieces of white bread nastiness from the bakery- one with ham and mustard inside, another with a hot dog, then the other was kind of like a large, thick piece of bread with a little cheese, salami and a thought of a bell pepper, oh- and grazing while i was there, then shaved ice (yay for sugar!), next was… you guessed it! a trip to a different bakery, and more grazing, a glass of milk, half a gianormous whole wheat, raisin, walnut roll, and another peach. so, i’ve had milk, bread, more bread, a couple peaches and bread. did i mention bread? good greif!! it’s almost comical. did get in a 45 min ride, but i think i need a hell of a lot more to work all that off. going on a three day hike starting tomorrow, so it’s time to pack and go to bed.

humm… well, i did get water in, but not as much as i would have liked. and i’ve done very little cleaning, packing or planning tonight. nor have i gotten in my hour of exercise. so- time to start!! it’s like i get home and see how much stuff i have to do so instead of doing anything, i get on the computer and screw around. not good. well, off for my hour of walking/jogging. i’ll check in after that.

I GOT MY RUN IN!! :D and i went a lot longer than i thought i would be able to that’s really happy- it’s been way too long since i went for a run. ok- more like a jog, but still. i’m happy about it. and i’m hungry!! lol. right- now for some cleaning and packing and planning

i’m down a pound for the week, which means i earned back my red star. and i’m not losing it again!! i didn’t workout today- i could have, and i didn’t. i was really tired when i got home from work and the dvd player kept skipping… and i knew i had a private lesson to teach tonight… so i bailed. not doing that again. when i started this last year- last year! it’s taken me 1 year to lose ten pounds! while ten pounds is great, i could have been to goal by now!! anyway, when i started this last year, i worked out every day. and i was running. so… i’m going back to that. it worked. tons of water and more exercise. and more furits and veggies. swimming, cycling, dancing AND running. and while i’d like to start right now, it’s 1 am at the moment and it’s way too late to go out- need to go to bed! i did get some chores and cleaning done today, so while that’s good, i have to do better. goal for tomorrow- an hour of exercise, salad, more cleaning/packing and tons of water. off to bed now!

i get overwhelmed and then i do nothing. that… well, that’s just stupid. i’m trying to pack up and ship things back to the US and trying to plan a 7 week bike trip dad and i are going to go on… and it’s really getting to me. so instead of doing what i know i should be doing (packing, planning and exercising) i’m doing a million stupid things to waste time. like now- i was going to go to the pool. but i thought, i’ll just get on here and check out a couple blogs and write one myself seeing as how i haven’t sone that in a bit… and now, an hour later, i don’t really have the time to go to the pool. well, that was kind of silly, now wasn’t it? time to stop wasting time!! not enough time for a swim, guess i’ll go do a dance dvd now and then go for a jog tonight if it’s not raining.

i’m not really sure it serves any real purpose. i mean, yes, i suppose that there are an abundance of situations when we feel justified in being angry, and probably for many of them it is justified, but really, what’s the point? does it feel good? personally, i think not. does it serve any useful purpose? for the most part, again, i think i’d have to say not. it just leads to more negativity, ill feelings and in some cases, hatred. and really, is any of that useful? is it beneficial to you? is it beneficial to other people?

if you are angry at someone else, what is the benefit in telling them off? for a few brief moments, there is a kind of a sense of satisfaction, but that rarely lasts and is that really happy? again, i think not. for me, peaceful and happy seem to go hand in hand and anger seems to have little to do with either one. and if you’re angry at yourself for doing something you know you shouldn’t have, again, what’s the point? does it feel good? more importantly, does it help you? when was the last time you beat yourself up over eating something bad for you? did it help? chances are, probably not. seems to me like it just leads to a negative self image and then onto more bad eating… then beating yourself up some more and then to more bad eating… not such a nice cycle. doesn’t work for you. well, probably doesn’t work for you. probably won’t work with other people as well.

so… if anger isn’t good, then what? just in my opinion, patience and humor. and probably a fair dose of compassion. and when all else fails, go for tolerence. again, this is just my opinion. i know i used to be a rather angry person- things would set me off quickly and even if nothing set me off exactly, there was always a… kind of a hard edge, i suppose. there was a feeling of power and energy in some ways, but was i happy? definately not. did i have friends? actually, yes, i did. and a lot of times we’d stew in out anger together. bonding experience, i suppose. BUT- i can honestly say i’m a lot happier now than i was then. and the friendships i have now are a lot healthier than they were then. that’s not to say things are always peachy and i never get upset- i do. and i was today. but i know that the intense feeling that i used to have and the feeling i had today were a lot different. the point of all my ramblings i suppose is patience, campassion and humor for not just our friends and family, but for ourselves and strangers as well. the point is to be happy, no?

second day and i’m feeling pretty good about things. well, good about eating and exercising. i’m up to 123. that’s about where i was this time last year, and about 7 pounds heavier than i was this winter. not so good. BUT- i’ll get back down and i’ll get to goal. i feel… good about things at the moment. didn’t overeat today which is a first in way too long, got in 30 minutes of latin dance and thirty minutes of yoga and although things wern’t perfect, i think my head is finally in the right place.