inspiration08

hi everyone! haven’t writen anything in a while, so i thought i would. the funk seems to have finally lifted (thank god!) and i’m feeling a lot better lately… i think my trip to tokyo helped! didn’t do awesome today- there was haloween candy at work and i ended up eating a chocolate spider and 2 kitkats.. and then i brought some of it home with me! stupid! so as i was sitting down in front of my computer, i decided it was truely stupid to eat the thing, so i finished unwapping it and threw it in the garbage. lol- there’s will power starting to reassert itself! yay will power! ok- now i’m off to do something hopefully productive and then go to sleep. hope everyong is doing great!

need to get out of this funk! i haven’t been eating so well… and i haven’t lost anything for 2 1/2 weeks. not good. and i know i’m eating b/c of emotions… and that’s stupid. but somehow, i’m just having a hard time careing. lol- why am i being so pathetic?? well, off for a walk now that its almost midnight and then sleep. tomorrow’s a new day!

i maintained last week, and i maintained again this week. not what i want to be doing! i want to lose! eating hasn’t been the best, my mood hasn’t been the best, exercise hasn’t been the best… seems like nothing this week has!! so, the goal for the new week- eat more fruit and veggies, less bread, less sweats, exercise every day, drink more water and back to no dairy and meat. i started adding a little meat and dairy in the last couple weeks, and since then i’ve noticed i feel tired and yukky most days and just generally not so great, and i’ve not lost anything since then. so, back to what was working and making me feel better. lol- i just wish i could get some of the soy stuff here that i could get back home!! ah, well. i’ll manage. humm… haha… and my bike is screwed! not quite sure how i did it, but i managed to get the chain on my bike messed up enough that i need to take of the gears to get the thing straighted out… only problem is i don’t know what i’m doing. i messed with it for a bit, but no luck. guess i’m going to have to take it in and have someone teach me how boo! what a waste of time and money. in the meantime though, its running, strength training (finally did that this week for the first time in years!!) swimming, walking and dvds. lol- i think i can keep myself busy. too much stuff to do… i want to start knitting again now that the weather is cooling down, i need to study more, i want to read more and i need to figure out what to do with my life!! finished a book called “three cups of tea” the other week . i’d recommend it. not the most spectacularly written, but a really interisting (true) story that more than makes up for it. its about a guy building schools in pakistan and afghanistan… lol, man, my discription really does not do it justice. good book , though. if any of you have time, i’d say read it. check it out from the library. i miss having a library     :(   umm… right. on that note, i think its time to go study for a bit then go to bed!  hope everyone is doing great!

i’ve been tired and lazy and bummed for the past few weeks… well, enough! i’m tired of feeling crappy and it doesn’t do any good whatsoever, so… somehow i’m going to pull myself out of this! one thing i know is bothering me is the lack of attention fron bf, so somehow that’s truned into a little moping and feeling like nobody cares… and thats definately not true. there are people that care to varying degrees, some a lot and some just a little, but just because bf is busy or lacking interest or whatever doesn’t mean that no one cares and there is something wrong with me- just means he’s busy or he’s the one being stupid, it has nothing to do with my worth. lol- can you tell i have a bit of a self esteem issue? well, that’s crap. i’m not perfect. but, there are lots of good things about me and i need to remember those things! i need to quit teling myself no one cares and i’m not really worth anything… stupid. and- fall is comming. i always seem to dread this time of year which again, is stupid. i had one terrible, awful fall about 10 years ago and ever since then fall has NOT been a time of year i look foward to. well, that was 10 years ago and it’s only a time of year. and although summer is definately my favorite (lol- i like the heat) there are good things about fall, too. fall is great for hiking. the food is some of the best (uhh… not so condecive for losing weight, though, now is it?? everything in moderation, i guess!) and… lol- i can wear boots again! i’m trying here. i really don’t want to be in this funk anymore, so i’m going to do my best to be positive and get out of it!

i also just kind of feel like i’m not doing anything useful with my life at the moment- need to do something about that. i’m teaching english, which is a great opportunity to help people and umm… teach, so… put forth more of an effort doing that and start doing the things that i think i should be doing. and start thinking about what i’m going to do after may! the plan is to leave here then, and i want to have some idea about what i’m going to do after i’m out of here, so… stop ignoring it and start figuring it out!  lol- ok, that’s enough of a pep talk for this morning. i’m feeling a lot better than i was and it’s time to go do something!! hope everyone is having a great day and… for eveyone else that’s out there telling themselves lies… stop! they aren’t true! all right, now i’m off

home… at the moment, i don’t know where that is. i know where i live, but i don’t think that’s the same. i’ve been living in japan for a little over two years now and i can honestly say i’ve grown quite attached to this place. i don’t want to leave… and honestly, i’m a little scared of leaving. it’s safe here. it’s stable. i have a fantastic boyfriend (lol- usually!!) and a small circle of friends here that are great. there’s tons of places to go hiking and biking… i really do love this place. but… i slao feel like that there is no real future here. i love teaching english here, but i can’t see myself doing this exact same job forever (there’s just about no advancement opportunity) and i honestly don’t think i’d be happy about doing that forever. of course, i’m not exactly sure what i do want to be doing. not too helpful. and… as much as it kills me to say, i don’t think anything will ever go anywhere with my boyfriend. i hope it will. god, i hope it will, but if i’m honest with myself, i know it won’t. he’s practically said as much. so… what to do? where to go next? i don’t know. i know that whatever i do i will be ok, but there is always fear of the unknown, and the thought of leaving makes me really, really sad. but… i think it’d be good to get out, at least for a little while. i can go and come back, right?? there will always be teaching jobs here. i hope. aghh… what to do?! and i’m a little nervous about going back to the US, honestly. everytime i open up yahoo, it seems like there’s yet another problem- right now money. what will i do when i get back? who will want to hire me? what can i do that i wil actually enjoy and be able to live off of? it seems like moving back just to move back is kind of silly, but i miss my parents and i miss my sister so much. it would be so great to be able to be near them again (lol- i’d have to choose though, oklahoma or maryland) but it’d fabulous. its been way way too long since that was the case. and… i have to admit, i’m afraid of moving back and gaining back everything i’ve lost. i’m afraid i’ll go back to all my old bad habits and that would truely suck. sorry guys, i know its not an uplifting blog and has little, if any, relavance to weight loss, but its something thats been on my mind (people aren’t expecting me to leave until may, but even still, that seems like its comming way too quick!) anyway, thanks for reading… it helps just getting my thoughts out there. hope everyone is having a good week- lol- and i’m happy ’cause i down a pound for the week already!

i’m trying to figure out why it is, every saturday morning for weigh in, i consistantly weigh more?? my “weekend” it thurs/fri… maybe i’m just doing a bad job over the weekend eating?? lol, dunno. but then sunday things seem to go back down. irritating.

really happy with myself- i got in a 50mile bikeride yesterday! i have to admit i felt exhausted after getting done, but it was great!! i’d been wanting to do that ride for a while i didn’t get all my goals for last week accomplished- i think i only went running once, got to the pool twice (so i got that one), went cycling twice, and i honestly don’t remember about the DVDs. i know i did it at least once, possibly twice… i don’t think i got enough water,  remembered to take my vitamin more often than not, but still not every day, and i ate too much junk!! so for this week, same goals, but i’m going to make them all this time! and no 2day haitus form working out. figure i’ll wait and see what the scale says after i take a shower… stupid scale!

well… i got in a good hard hour of swimming, a relatively easy 1.5 hours of cycling, a 5k jog… a piece of apple pie AND a donut. stupid. just stupid. and the pie wasn’t even that good. lol- i should have known better than to eat something labeled as “pie” here. they still haven’t figured that one out. cake is pretty good, pie is awful!! oh, yeah, and a pop tart this morning for breakfast. trying to save money so i’m eating the food that i have… ah, well. better food tomorrow and exercise!