inspiration08

humm… not to omuch to ramble about tonight. i’m leaving on thursday for vacation, and i still have so much i need to do!! need to pack, and need to figure out where i’m going to sleep!! everything’ll workout though, so i’m not too worried about it. i just hope there isn’t a typhoon! that would kinda put a damper on things.

i’ve been slacking on running and cycling and swimming lately- been doing tons of workout dvd’s- but i’m really feeling the want to start start doing all that stuff again. been kinda fighting with myself for the last hour or so about going for a run. i want to go, but i’m totally beat after today and i got in an hour ride this morning… think i might just call it a night. been difficult to wake up in the morning lately, so i think that might be an indication ai’m not sleeping enough. that and all i’ve been wanting to do tonight was eat, and i know i’m not hungry. i’m just tired. so- i think i’m going to get off of here and sleep. good night and hope everying is doing good!

today was happy, but i’m tired. i’ve got water in my ears and i need to blow my nose about every 5 minutes to keep it from dripping, but i feel great! lol- went swimming tonight and i think i’m mildly allergic to something in the pool, but i don’t care- the feeling of the water is just way too wonderful not to go. you ever have one of those workouts where everything just seems to be working right? had one of those tonight. and for about the last 45 minutes in the pool i was the only one there. got a change to swim and think and let everything go- it was fantastic lol- now all i need to do is clean my apartment and go through my closet and i’d be great! i think the futon is going to win though. i started on this place with the idea of blogging about all the baggage i need to let go of, trying to figure out what i want to do with my life, about ehat my hopes and dreams are for the future… anf of coarse, weight loss. so far though i seem to be blogging about nothing but mundane whatnot and not sorting out any of the stuff i want to sort out.  and obsessing about trying to lose weight. losing weight is great, and i want to do it, but i really don’t want to be obsessing and honestly, i figure if i can get my head sorted out, probably the weight will follow. not that i’m saying i won’t need to work at it- i’m sure i will to some extent, but it shouldn’t be an obeseeion. man i’m tired. ok- think its time to go to sleep. one of the things i have been kicking around- and this is still a totally a wild-assed idea, so don’t hold me to it, is trying to take a month and cycle from kyushu to hokkaido before i go. i’m no where near being that good yet, and i really have no idea what i’m doing as far as multiple day rides, but damn, i’d love to do that. at least, i think i would. lol- i need to learn a lot before next summer!! but before the weather gets to cold, i really want to do at least one multiple day ride. right, so thats the delusional rambling for tonight. hope everyone is having a great saturday and i’m going to sleep!!

well, i blew it yesterday, but i did manage to do a bit better today. i had to work today (usually my day off) but i got to go out with a friend tonight for dinner. had a good time, but maybe not the most fantastic food choices. but not the worst either. lol- sorry, guys, i’m needing to do something about moving the scale in the right direction again, so… i’m gonna start blogging about food and my day and all the other mundane stuff. seemed to help last time, so maybe it’ll help again. got in a 45 minute workout this morning, had an english muffin with cooked veggies and a little bit of cheese for breakfast, brown rice with dried fruit and nuts for lunch, a banana for snack , then salad, pasta and chicken for dinner. probably ate more than i needed to, but its a huge improvement over yesterday. not too much else going on… trying to get ready for my vacation next week and i had a friend offer to help out with taking all my clother that are too big to the second hand store, so i need to sort through all of that by tuesday morning. lol- really looking foward to getting rid of all the stuff that doesn’t fit. went out the other day wearing a pair of jeans and it felt like i had to keep pulling the things up about every 5 minutes. time to get rid of them! i was also reading somewhere that its better if you are trying to lose weight to wear stuff that isn’t too loose b/c you are more concious of your body that way. seems to make sense. and dang it, i don’t wait to go back up!! i think at my heaviest i was 170 (hasn’t been for a while though) and i’m at 125 now. i’m really wanting to get back down to about 110… haven’t been there in about 12 years… but i know i can do it. and considering how incredably not tall i am, i don’t think its unreasonably. lol- i visited a friend here about a year and a half ago, and we were all going out for dinner. my friend, her parents, and her sister. her sister looked at me, then turned to my friend, and i didn’t even need to understand the language to understand the comment- wow, she’s short. i remember saying to my friend “she just said she was suprized about how short i am, didn’t she?” my friend started laughing and her sister was shocked i understood. lol- i get it often enough its easy to read the expression that goes along with it. right- so i guess the point to all that was that even in japan i’m STILL short!! ok, enough with the rambling. i’m going to go for a short jog and then going to sleep! hope everyone is having a great friday

and the scale sure did show me this morning. yesterday i weighed myself- 56.2. and this morning? 56.8. SUCK!! i got up with the intention of exercising before my toru came over, then… i dunno. that just didn’t happen. work up a little later than expected, got side tract on doing some other things, and then kinda ran out of time. breakfast wasn’t so bad- had a kiwi and some soy milk with honey (wanted something light so i could work out- but then that didn’t happen :() then- he was hungry so we stopped at a convenience store on the way to the museum (there’s a picasso exhibit in a city not too far from us that we wanted to see) and he got a soy joy bar (ended up eating about half) and some granola cookie/stick things (ate 3 of the 4). then lunch- haha… that was fantastic as well. katsudon. its basically a bowl of white rice, egg, and fried pork. didn’t even like the pork and i ate it anyway?? wtf? what’s wrong with me? after lunch we were driving back home and see baskin robbins. we were celebrating his 31st b-day and here they call “Baskin Robbins 31″ just “31″ and we had been joking about that earlier- turning 31 and eating 31 flavors. so… we ended up going there. i got an ice cream, ate about 2/3 of it, realized i didn’t really even like it, and threw away the rest. but… i didn’t like it, i didn’t want it, so why did i get it? later we stopped at starbucks- small caramel macchiatto (sp?) and 1/2 a mango chicken wrap, and then dinner- ramen! that’s like fat soup! but- at least the ramen was fantastic. lol. and no workin gout yesterday. good grief!!! but, other than the way way way crappy eating, the day was fantastic. we had so much fun going out yesterday. ahh… his so much fun to be with!! lol- but no more food days like that! ok- i’m off now to go run. i think i’m going to have to start doing something to make myself a little more accountable- keeping a food journal, but i think that just isn’t enough for the moment. i want the scale to go down!! not up! all right- enough for now. i’m off to workout and then go jog. hope everyone has a great and healthy day!

grrr!! back up again!! i usually weigh everyday in the morning. i just wish the stupid scale would quit going back and forth so much… it’s irritating! not too much going on here… just life as usual. haven’t been feeling the best lately, just kinda down. my co-worker ripped into me yesterday- he had a free teaching period and the hall/stairs needed to be swept, so i asked if he could do that and man, was that a mistake. he went off about how unreasonable that was, and how he didn’t want to clean in a suit, and how i lie and do things just to make him look bad… “can’t fool everyone all the time”… honestly, i didn’t think it was a big deal. i would have happily done it- it needed to be done and he had the time to do it and had planned to do nothing on that nonteaching period- so i asked. ended up he taught and i swept, but i ended up crying in the teacher’s room for about 5 minutes. so stupid. a couple students have complained about seeing on the internet that i was the teacher and then when they come to class, he’s teaching, so that might have something to do with it… i dunno. just felt like crap. and still do to an extent. just seems like most relationships i have (friends and/or boyfriend) i always do something wrong. i remember when i was 19 there was a guy i was dating. things seemed great- spent a lot of time together, had a lot of fun together. then about 8 months later come to find out he’s in love with some girl across the country. his comment- well, i never said you were my girlfriend and i never said i loved you. that felt fantastic. had another b/f in high school that one time i came across a letter he wrote- say it was to his ex and curiosity got the better of me (i know- that was not a good thing to do. should respect other’s privacy) and in that he goes on about how he’s never cared so much about me and how he’s always loved her- and only her. fantastic. not only boyfriends, though. had a couple of roommates last winter- married couple and their place originally- but i paid one third of the rent and bills… and… well, we don’t talk to eachother now. they’d have people over (w/o telling or asking) and then when i’d ask if it was ok to have a friend or my b/f over they’d always say no. and yes, i had talked to them about this before i moved in. but… its a lot more than just that. little things that just made me feel like i was really not welcome there… if i’d forget something in the living room, when i’d get home it’d usually be just inside my bedroom door when their stuf was still all over the living room, i’d get home and they’d shut their bedroom door and not say anything. i dunno. don’t know what i did that was so wrong… just can’t seem to figure that out. what is it that i’m always doing? why do i always make people hate me? i’m not doing it intentionally- just seems to happen. i’m just… tired. don’t get me wrong- there are some people i am still friends with. just seems like half the relationships i have i piss people off and i’m not sure why. not sure what i’m doing. and the way i see it, is if it was only one person, maybe its them. but if there’s a history… then maybe it’s me.

well… that was my self pitty for the day. lol- at least for the time being. i just want to crawl back into bed, but i think i’m going to go on a bike ride instead. hope everyone is having a great day! and thanks for listening to me  

greetings to all and happy monday! lol- trying to be cheerfull- not really feeling it this morning, but fake it till i believe it, no? i wanted to get up and go for a bike ride this morning then i realized that i had a japanese lesson at 11, which should have given me enough time to go and get back… but i just woke up lazy and a little tired this morning. so it didn’t happen. not too happy about that, but i’ll get in a run tonight, so i guess it’s all good.  

well… it’s tonight and i’m exhausted. didn’t do so great with food today- had an egg, toast and necterine for breakfast, then some brown rice and veggies for luch- so far so good- then i came home for dinner. i put some bread in the microwave/oven and sat down at my computer… after a few minutes i started hearing a popping sound comming from the kitchen. well… as it turned out, i accidentally forgot to puch the “oven” setting and the rack i had the toast on was metal. so that was the cause of the popping sound. sparking metal. fantastic. not to mention that bread in the microwave catches on fire after about 3 minutes. so i ate lunch from the convienience store. not the healthiest. onigiri (white rice ball with tuna, mayo and seaweed), picklen veggies, coffee and some bran cookie/cracker things. and then i just ate 3 pocky sticks about 5 minutes ago. not healthy. basically its like a hard cookie stick dipped in chocolate. tasty, but not healthy. and i’m dead tired. i think working out is just going to wait until tomorrow morning- i think i need the sleep more than the exercise. with that said though, things are irritating in the weight department at the moment. sat i was at 55.8kg, and then today i’m at 56.3. BOO!! not happy about that. maybe has something to do with lack of sleep, maybe i’m not drinking enough water. whatever it is though, i want to figure it out so i’m not going backwards!!

ok- well, that’s my less than spectacular rant for the night.

humm… on a happier note- i get 9 days off work!! that’s so happy. i was thinking about going to cambodia, but i don’t think i can do it now. think its a little too late. so instead- i’m going to yakushima and kyushu (the southern island of the main three that make up japan) that’s totally happy,  but now i need to work out the details!! like how i’m going to get there! camping and hiking, and i really want to go scuba diving. and i’m going to get to see one of my friends. really excited about that. AND i get to go out with my friend for his b-day this weekend (well, my weekend) so i think we’re going to go to the picasso art exhibit, go to an onsen, and probably some other stuff. looking foward to that :) so… that’s all for the time being. hope everyone is doing great and i’m off to bed!!  

lol- for no particular reason, but today is great fo far. kind of a day just for me- i have a private lesson to teach at 7, but i’m looking foward to that, so its all good. got to talk to a friend for a bit (lol- 2 hours on skype!!) and got in a 45 minute dance video, thinking about doing another 15 minute one and than going to get some food. and down a little bit today. only .3 of a kilogram, but still, a loss is a loss. and i’m happy to see the scale going in the right direction again. still need to change the flat on my bike.. grrr!! went for a bike ride, got about 45 minutes into it and got a flat. changed that, then when i was about half a mile from home, i got ANOTHER flat!! stupid tires!! figured it wasn’t worth the hassle of changing it there, so i walked the last half mile. that means though that i now have three bikes- (my boyfriend’s, my racing bike and my basket bike) and they ALL have flats! good grief!! well, hope everyone is doing good. i’m off to do the next vidoe!!

i want to eat. i’m not hungry, but i just want to eat. jalapeno potato chips… and chocolate. that sounds fabulous right now. aghhh… now sure whats going on with me right now… just been in a bit of a funk the past couple days. i got on the scale today expecting a gain (nothing since yesterday. weighted myself once and it said 56.5, then it said 56.6- same as yesterday) and honestly, i’m not sure why. yesterday was pretty good with eating and i got in a 45min dance workout and an hour bikeride… and i’m expecting a gain? why? that’s stupid. what’s with the negativity and beig so down on myself? maybe… i need more sleep. i’ve been going to bed late and waking up early (for me) so maybe thats just catching up with me. i dunno. but i don’t like the want to eat/binge feeling and my attitude lately- it sucks. lol- ok- going back to bed for a half hour and going to bed early tonight!

for those of you that know don, he wrote a blog a couple days ago challenging to people to commit to something, anything, for 4 weeks. and, well, i think its a great idea. i’ve not been doing bad lately, but i haven’t been doing so great either. i’ve been eating a bit more than i used to and a couple times sweets have crept back into my diet. and, i’m not saying that my eating was bad- i think it would be fantastic if i was trying to maintain- but i’m not trying to maintain, i’m trying to lose, damnit!! lol

so, here are my commitments: workout for AT LEAST 30 minutes every day; drink at least 8 big glasses of water; only one  junk/sweets/fried food a week (but i am seriously going to try for less); 1 cup of veggies a day; no eating 3 hours before bedtime unless i’ve worked out- and then i’m only eating raw veggies or a piece of fruit

well, that’s what i’m commiting to. it’s a lot stricter than i’ve done in the past, and to be honest, i’m not sure if i can do it. i’m going on vacation within this month, and that’s going to be hard b/c i’m probably going to be staying with a friend and i know i’m going to have a really hard time saying “no” if something is offered- i really don’t want to be rude. well, that’s what i’m commiting to. ganbattemasu!! (japanese for something along the lines of “i’ll do my best”)

hehe… happy birthday to me! and for this birthday… i’m giving myself the best present of all- a new healthy lifestyle. just love the cheese, no? lol. but seriously, i think more than anything, i really do want to continue eating healthy and exercising. and- i want to improve even more. i feel so so so much better than i did just a few months ago. i did a workout dvd tonight that i had tried a while back, and it was so much easier now than it was then- and i could feel that my legs have gotten stronger. and that was fantastic. (lol- i had wanted to go to the pool, but its a national holiday here, so the pool was closed ) lol- and maybe a pair of boots

things i want to do this year: get in good shape!! and hopefully that will mean hitting my goal weight as well; take a trip somewhere other than in japan or the US; get control of my spending- bad impulsive buyer ; figure out what it is i want to be doing with my life and make some steps towards whatever that might be; and… i want to go on a mulit-day bicycle trip and run a marathon. as for right now, i think those are some of the main things i want to do- there are definately others, but thats just a few of the things that i can think of now.

have a great friday!!