inspiration08

depression is a rotten, rotten thing. it’s not like I hate life, or that things are truely all that bad, but it just kind of seems like somewhere in the past few years I’ve just sort of given up on believing in myself. I used to think that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything. And now? Most days I think I’d at least say maybe. Honestly though? Most of the time I definitely don’t feel that. I feel like I can get by; I’m not dumb, but I’m just not all that great either. I’m back in school again and while in some ways its great, in some ways it’s been horrible. There’s nothing quite like showing up to a classroom and knowing that you are a decade older than most of the people in there. I suppose that wouldn’t be all that bad, but knowing that they are a decade younger, actually in shape and looking good (and yes, I realize that I can loose weight, but you can’t just “loose” saggy skin- and to make things even better my boyfriend tells me that it looks like my hair is thinning. and it is. good lord, and i’m barely in my thirties), AND I’m not even A’s in some of the classes. Nothing like feeling old, out of shape, terribly unattractive and dumb. Man, am I ever throwing myself a pity party. Seriously though, it just sometimes seems like whats the point in putting in all the effort of getting in shape when I know I’m still not even really going to look good? I do realize that there is more to weight loss than just looking good- there is the feeling good and being able to do physical activity, which really is totally worth it, and I know that in my head, but damn, it’s still depressing as all hell.

And on that note… food hasn’t been good today. Once again, I’m thinking its just me feeling the way I do at the moment. Oatmeal with dried fruit, nuts, peanut butter and a few dark chocolate chocolate chips. So, not great, but could be worse. Two cups of coffee with milk. And half a reeses peanut butter tree. I don’t even remember what I had for lunch. A package of peanut butter crackers, I think.  Dinner was a bowl of spinach/mushroom/artichoke bisque with naan and a nice, big bowl of coffee ice cream. I’d ask what is wrong with me, but I know what it is. I feel completely worthless and the junk food is momentary gratification. As for the rest of it- it’s in the apartment, it’s already there and I just don’t have time to go to the damn store and cook at the moment. On the plus side, I did drink a decent amount of water and actually took my vitamins. Now if I could just convince myself I’m not a useless sack of mostly water…

I don’t know if any of this even makes a bit of sense. But there it is and now its time to get onto finishing the heap of homework I can barely comprehend.

i posted about a week ago… and have done nothing on here since then. goals of getting into the gym are great but honestly, that is going to have to wait until finals are over on december 15. until then the biking and walking to school will have to suffice. i can however do something about the food i’m eating, so the goal for tomorrow is eat at least three servings of veggies, two fruit and dring at least 48oz of water. and with that said, i’m going to sleep.

well, the title pretty much says it. i joined this site years ago, got down to a pretty good weight and then managed to get right back to where i was before i started. time to go at it again, i suppose.

my eating habits have been complete rubbish since i’ve come back to the US and i don’t think i’ve actually exercised in the past two and a half months. that’s not going to work, now is it? small goals to start out and go from there. so, we’ll start with tomorrow. first off, get my butt to the gym. at this point what i do and how long i do it isn’t even important- just get there!! secondly, leave the bag of m&m’s in the  lab the hell alone. yesterday my mom gave me a sandwich bad full of peanut and almond m&m’s to take to the lab to get rid of them… and when i left the lab today i thin there was maybe two dozed left. maybe. lastly, eat real food. and prepackaged from a vending machine is NOT food.

that’s a start. i need to get my weight under control again- i know i feel better physically and emotionally when i don’t feel like a cow. i have a boyfriend that is absolutely wonderful and i know he thinks i’m quite fabulous as well, but sometimes i catch myself wondering why the hell is he with me? and that, i know, is due to how i view myself when i’m out of shape and overweight. i don’t neeed to deal with that. he doesn’t need to deal with that.

my weight, eating habits and exercise need to get back under control. and… i know that this is a weightloss blog, but i also think that weightloss can sometimes have just as much to do with sorting out emotional what-not as anything else SO i’m going to try working out that as well. what exactly is going on, i don’t know. but finances and random spending are getting rediculous. i’m guessing that part of that is the instant gratification of getting something new and sparkly (or whatever) but really? it’s no more beneficial than eating an eating an entire bag of m&m’s, now is it?

right- so for tomorrow, get to the gym, cut out the junk just for a day and don’t buy anything unless it’s an absloute necessity!

well. another dose of stupidity. that pretty much sums up today’s eating rather nicely. had a nikuman and coffee for breakfast, went on an hour ride, a bowl of pineapple rice for lunch, then went to work and had about 3/4 a bag og the grab bag sized potato chips before i threw them away and an ice cream sandwich, then yogurt and a tuna/egg salad sandwich for dinner and then another nikuman when i got home. will i never learn? i got the potato chips and ice cream sandwich more out of curiosity than anything else. algae flavored potato chips?! and a white chocolate, cookies and cream ice cream sandwich… new flavor that i’d never seen before, i mean, how could i not try it, right? because i’m trying to lose weight!! that’s why! or at least don’t eat the whole thing. aghh!! this is just getting stupid. no- it already is stupid. and i know i need to go buy some fruits and veggies. and get some sleep. so on that note- i’m going to go to bed!

*sigh*… suppose it’s time for accountability, so here it goes:

7/30- breakfast- bowl of cereal with soy milk, raisins, nuts, coffee.  “snack”- coffee with cream, slice of cake. lunch- rice with 2pc. shrimp, nettle leaf, eggplant and pumpkin tenpura, miso soup, sukemono, 2 slices of eggplant. dinner- about 1/2 cup stir fried veggies, 3 pc. fried shrimp, about a fifth an egg, 4 pc. gyoza (pot stickers?), 3 pieces of beef with bean sprouts, 2 yakitori sticks, 1/2 tomato tonic, latte and about 3/4 of a chocolate chip cookie. eww!! i did a lot of damage in tokyo!! and i think all in all i got about a half hour of walking in

7/31  breakfast- piece of toast, 2 mini muffins, salad with tons of tomatoes, 1/3 of a hashbrown, 1/2 a banana, 2 cubes of watermellon, 2 eggs, 1 sausage link, a glass of grapefruit juice, and 2 cups of coffee (yay for buffets, right?!) . then a latte… and then lunch. about 9 pieces of sushi, cup of egg soup, and green tea. snack- small ice cream from cold stone. dinner- 100 gram steak (i think) 4 pieces of some other meat, salad, veggies, garlic rice, miso soup, annondofu, coffee with cream and then a small mango frappachino from starbucks. BUT- all in all i’d say that day wasn’t too bad. i got in a half hour of strength training and AT LEAST five hours of solid walking. my friend said seven, but i think it might have been more like 6

8/1  breakfast- mini muffin, toast with butter, 2 eggs, 1/3 hashbrown, 2 sausage links, 1 glass o.j., salad, 1/2 banana, 2 slices of apple, 3 cups of coffee, and broccoli. lunch- rice, tofu with some kind of sauce, sashimi piece with shiso and daikon, 2 chunks of chicken, more tofu, and miso with tofu (we went to a tofu restraunt- suprisingly good!) dinner- rice, eel with sauce, salad, 2 pc. grapefruit, miso soup. then a small choc. truffle from starbucks and a slice of cake. and i think all in all i got in maybe ab hour of walking. not good!!

8/2-  breakfast- bowl of cereal with nuts, raisins and soy milk, 2 cups of coffee. snack- three cookies and a peach.  lunch- japanese pork curry rice, coffee with cream. dinner- nikuman and chocolate covered macidamia nuts (aghh!!! i’m an idiot!! i think that was about 450 calories just with that) and prettymuch no workout.

8/3 breakfast- uhh… that was this morning and i can’t remember?! oh- right. nikuman and coffee, half a pear. lunch- about 2 cups of pineapple fried rice. “snack”- more macadamia nuts (i think i muct be mildly insane? severly brain damaged? not sure what the problem was today!!), coffee,  a carrot, the other half of the pear, five pieces of hard candy, yogurt. dinner- another cup and a half of pineapple fried rice. i did get in about a 30 min jog, 10 min walk and maybe another 10 min of ab exercises, but i need to do a lot more!

sorry this was a rather mind numbingly boring blog- i’ll try and write about tokyo (other than the food) tomorrow!

well… not perfect today, but things are getting better. maybe. i think? other than the damn cookies! two bowls of cornflakes with nuts and raisins and soy milk and coffee this morning, then 4 cookies (almost done with them, so i won’t be able to keep that up but i’m hoping no more!) an asian pear, yogurt and chestnuts, 45min/ 1750meter swim, then tuna/mayo rice ball, sukemono (picklen veggies) and a yakitori stick (chicken on a stick with some kind of sauce) taught a private lesson and had a latte, and then got home and ate another bowl of cereal with raisins, soy milk and nuts. still too heavy on the carbs, but things are slowly improving. had dinner from the convienience (i’m willing to bet money i just spelled that wrong) store and i think i did all right… chicken, veggies and rice with tuna. there probably was other things that might have been better, but it’s a lot better than i had been doing. 

i’m not sure what the next couple days are going to be like food and exercise wise seeing as i’m going to tokyo with a friend, but i’m going to try and do at least 45 min of some form of exercise every day and i’m going to try really hard to keep eating under control.

and again, to those of you who read and commented on my last blog, thank you!! it really does make a difference :) 

i cracked. only day two, and i already cracked. breakfast i had (again) beans, cheese, 1 taco shell, lettuce, salsa, some meat and two cups of coffee. went on an hour and a half bike ride, got back and then had a cucumber and about 3/4 cup of berries. went to work and had two peaches, about a cup of yogurt and three pieces of hard candy. late lunch/early dinner at 5 and had okanomiyaki (kind of like a pancake with cabbage, egg, squid, cheese and some mayo). went back to work and had three cookies a student had brought me (not happy about that), came home and i had about 5 hazlenuts. i’m hungry. i want to eat. *sigh* i’m thiking… eat something then a 30 min. workout and go to bed. good grief though, will i ever get there? oh- and the scale was at 56.1 this morning. not good. not good at all.

damn. i’m still not happy with myself for gaining back so much, BUT i will lose it again plus some. and then stay there! food-wise things were much better than they have been- breakfast was about two cups of coffee, black beans with two taco shells, cheese, salsa and lettuce (i know- kind of a bizarre breakfast), lunch was pasta (white though, not wheat) two quarter inch thin slices of a baguette, a salad and more coffee. “dinner”/snack was two packages of chestnuts and two peaches. and then i had a medium latte from seattle’s best.  so it’s an improvement over what i have been doing, but i still need to get better. i am happy with one thing though- on the way home tonight i thought about picking up an energy/cereal bar then opted for chestnuts instead. calorie wise they were about the same, but i think overall the chestnuts are a lot healthier. and they don’t lead to more carb cravings.

i haven’t gotten in any exercise yet, but i will as soon as i get done with this. and i just joined the triathalon challenge, so that’ll help keep me in line with the exercise right. so that’s that. and for the two of you who commented on the blog this morning- thank you! i really need the encouragement and support at the moment. it made me kind of sad this morning… when i was on the way to work i realized last summer when things seemed so easy part of the reason was my ex, toru. having that support and just being so happy in general made things just so much easier. i don’t have that now. that may be one of the reasons i’ve been putting pounds back on/ it’s been so hard to lose, but it’s time to just face it and suck it up. things aren’t the same now, and if i keep on doing what i’ve been doing, it’s going to be a very unhappy path. he’s not here anymore to lean on, so i’d better learn to just stand on my own.

well… thanks to those of you who took the time to read this!! i’m going to go get that jog in now

 update- (lol- i’m a dork!) didn’t get in the jog due to the rain, but i got in a 45 min dance dvd and about 20 minutes of an upperbody workout. and a cucumber and about a fourth? eighth? cup of blueberries. k. now i’m going to bed. night buddyslim land!

shit shit shit!!! i’m back up to 57.8 kilos… damn!!

 time to start all over again. i don’t know what is going on right now with me- maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s a bit of depression, but whatever it is, i am not going to let this take me back up to where i was. i am now 127. that’s up about 10 pounds from this winter. damnit! that means i need to drop about 20 pounds… at least. damn, i’m so pissed at myself for letting myself go back up. granted, i just weighed myself and it’s in the midde of the day, but still, it’s a decent gain even allowing for that. damn. damn damn damn. time to get your shit together, kid

good grief, today was the carb binge from hell!! this mornng- peach, black berries, yougurt and a piece of whole grain toast. then lunch- three pieces of white bread nastiness from the bakery- one with ham and mustard inside, another with a hot dog, then the other was kind of like a large, thick piece of bread with a little cheese, salami and a thought of a bell pepper, oh- and grazing while i was there, then shaved ice (yay for sugar!), next was… you guessed it! a trip to a different bakery, and more grazing, a glass of milk, half a gianormous whole wheat, raisin, walnut roll, and another peach. so, i’ve had milk, bread, more bread, a couple peaches and bread. did i mention bread? good greif!! it’s almost comical. did get in a 45 min ride, but i think i need a hell of a lot more to work all that off. going on a three day hike starting tomorrow, so it’s time to pack and go to bed.