inspiration08

i’m just really not caring about anyone’s opinion right now… i just don’t give a shit. sorry about the strong language, but that’s basically the feeling. i’m tired of worring about other people’s opinions, i’m tired of wondering if i’m making other people happy. i’m tired of worring about what other people think. right now, i don’t care. and to be honest, i’m not too sure that that’s a bad thing. i’m not saying i want to offend or hurt anyone, but if i do, it’s an accident and it can be delt with later. no sense in worrying about it now before anything’s happened. humm… i don’t think this is comming out totally the way i want it to. helping people and trying to make people happy is something i like doing, and i will continue to try, i will continue to try and do my best, however- i’m tired of wondering if it’s good enough for other’s. all i can do is my best, and if that’s not good enough, or if someone doesn’t like it, well, that’s their problem, not mine. a couple months ago when i was teaching, the lesson was talking about priorities. (i teach english conversation) one of the sentance structures is “what’s the point of… if you can’t…” and AS AN EXAMPLE (one of several) was what’s the point of working and making money if you don’t have the time to enjoy other things? well, a student decided i was talking about him, which i wasn’t, and about three weeks after that lesson, (and at that point i didn’t even really remember the lesson and i had no idea he was upset with me) he rips into me about how hard he has to work and how could i say such an awful thing to/about him, and how he didn’t want to take lessons from me anymore, and so on, and i felt awful! well, you know what? i finally decided to just let it go. all i can do is my best, and i will try my hardest not to offend or upset anyone, but damnit, i’m tired of walking on eggshells. it’s not healthy. it’s strange- when i get emails, or when i recieve some unexpected communication, i almost always expect it to be bad. why? i don’t know. and it doesn’t make sense. all i can do is my best, and from now on, that’s what i’m going to worry about. i’m going to do all i can, and what other people think is their business. my boyfriend and i broke up. and it hurts. and for a long time i kept thinking that it was something i did. i wasn’t good enough for him. if i was only better, he would still want to be with me. and even as i’m writing this, i feel a little of that, but you know what? it’s not really true. i am good enough. if i was different, maybe he woud care, but then i wouldn’t be me, now would i? i haven’t tried as hard as i could have, i haven’t been perfect. i wasn’t sure what i was going to do after i left japan, and i was being irresponsible with money. that wasn’t good, and that definately wasn’t my best. if that’s the reason he left, well, if he really cared so much about me, he would have been able to see through that. and he wouldn’t have threatened to leave every three months. but things change and so do people, and i’m going to continue to move foward- it’s all i can do. and i’m not going to worry about other’s people’s opinions. lol- trying to convince myself? possibly. but there is no sense in worrying about things i can’t control and if there is something i don’t like, i try and change that. for better or for worse, at least i can try and make myself happy. i got a confirmation- i was accepted into the volunteer program i applied to! and i’m going. it’s not the best move financially, and it won’t make some friends too happy, but it’s something i want to do and i think it’ll be good for me. lol- a couple days ago i got my hair cut, and honestly, i didn’t really like it. and i dind’t want to spend the money to get it cut again, and i was a little afraid to do anything to it myself b/c if it wasn’t any good, i didn’t want to have to say i did it myself. but. tonight when i came home from work i figured i might as well give it a go- i don’t like it now, and if i make it worse i can go back to the salon, but there’s no sense in doing nothing just because i’m worried about someone saying something. and… it’s not great, but i like it a little better now and now i have a better idea about what to ask for next time. so, well, it’s a small step, but it’s still a step. ok- and now that i’ve written a small book, it’s time to go do yoga! since i wrote the last blog i’ve done 2 hours both days, got in one weight session and one yoga session and made the hour goal both days! that’s happy. on the downside, i’ve already eaten 3 of my 4 sweets for the week (stupid cake). i’ll be ok though, i still have one left and only 4 more days to go! but i still need to get in my hour for today, so i’m out of here and off to do that. hope everyone is great… and sorry if this blog started out a bit bitchy!! lol, but i needed it and i feel a lot better. and if it’s offended anyone, well, that’s YOUR problem, not mine!

are evil!! i can’t seem to keep myself away from them lately!! not good! i made no bake cookies the other day… are two yesterday and one and a half today… and then dumped the rest in the garbage. i’ve got to figure out a way to get this under control again… tomorrow i wrote out a meal plan, and i think that’ll help. i think part of the problem is that at work now there is ALWAYS chocolate and it’s right next to where i work. and i haven’t been bringing in healthy snacks like i used to…. humm… well, genious, start bringing those in again!! i WILL NOT give up and i AM NOT going to fail. and i’m not going to go backwards either!! ok. so- i suppose that’s going to be my goal for the time being- figure out a way to get the sweets under controll again.

and goals for the week- swim, bike, yoga and run at least once, weight three times, and workout for a minimum of 1 hour per day. drink 3 cups of green tea a day, and 2L of water a day. 5 fruits and veggies a day, and sweets no more than 4 times this week!! i know that’s a lot, but it’ll be better than i’m doing now, and i’ve got to start somewhere. baby steps. and… those are it. i had one and a half no bake cookies, 2 squares of lavender white chocolate, and 2 chococlate covered macadamia nuts today- i need to burn those off before bed so… off i go to take care of that. hope everyone’s doing great!

well… i had entertained thoughts of going to the pool today, but… i thikn that’s out. i’m not 100% better yet, and i see no good reason to make myself sick again. keep it light and dry… so, i fugured i’d walk down to the store and do my grocery shopping and come back. it’s about a 45 minute walk one way, so that’ll do. and i need to finish cleaning up my place! i moved everything yesterday and now i just have to take care of the small stuff… uggh! lol- but it needs to be done and it’s so so so nice to have a clean and orderly home. things have been good today but cold! i miss the summer! lol-i’ve even taken to drinking hot water in an attempt to keep warm… figured it kills two birds with one stone, so why not, yeah? have to admit though, i do feel a little strange about drinking just hot water… lol. well, hope everyone is staying warm!

ok, so i’m not done after all. i went to the store today and on the way there i passed a hair salon… it wsa kinda wierd, first thought was hey! i can get my hair cut tonight! then the second thought was i wonder if they cut women’s hair there and i could feel myself trying to talk myself out of doing it… stupid. why are people so resistant to change? why am i so resistant to change? i’m going monday or tues, but it was just wierd to catch myself trying to talk myslef out of doing something because it was unfamiliar (never been to that place, don;t know if it’s for men and women or just men, don’t know if i’ll be able to effectively communicate what i want, don’t know if anyone’ll speak english…) but all the more reason to go do it, i suppose. i’m tired of waiting, and i’m tried of not progressing… and if i never do anything different, nothing’ll ever change. lol, and yes, i realize i am just talking about my hair, which that in itsself isn’t such a big deal, but it kind of seems to be a metaphore for everything else. ok- now i’m throughly sleepy and all i want to do is go to bed- so it’s time to get out of here and go for that walk!

and now that i wrote that title… i guess it really does just all come down to choices, doesn’t it? so if i fail, basically that was my choice then, now wasn’t it? to hell with that. all right, now i really am outta here! take care

lol- i’m hiding under my covers writing this blog waiting for the heater to warm up the room enough so i don’t turn into a kylie-cicle. not sure what the trigger is/was, but i’m definately feeling the need for change and a strong desire to do it. lol- that’s definately a good thing. i’m still sad about the whole break up, and to be honest, i think i will be for a while (lol- and maybe that was the trigger, ya think?) but- things are good. change… small things for now, but i’m tired of the routine, i’m tired of the way things are right now. lol… so… the big change for today? drumroll please… i’m going to rearrange my room! anticlimactic, i know, but i just feel like i can’t quite sit still right now. i need to do something. and i can’t just dash off to another country tomorrow, so i figure i’ll stick to the small things until i can do the major ones. i’m okay with that. just a little more patience (i think that’s misspelled) and i was going to write something else that just completely slipped my mind. probably something like a little more patience and then i can move on to the bigger things. at least, that’s how i’m feeling. and tuesday- i’m getting my hair cut. i’m tired of the way things have been- job, life, relationships, me…  my attitude in particular. hell, if i’m not going to do it, no one else is. it’s my life. no one can lose weight for me, no one else can figure out what i want to do with my life, only me.

on another note… well, back to the ex (sorry, i’m going to be doing a lot of dumping on here about him)… i miss him. we are still friends, and that’s good- he’s a good guy. BUT if i think about things, he really isn’t the best thing for me, and i know it. for starters- he dumped me. and if i’m going to be in a relationship, i want to be important. obviously, i’m not. not in that way anyway. second- he’s a momma’s boy… only problem is she isn’t even his mom! (although she is about the same age as his mom) he worked with this woman for a while and she really helped him out, and for that, i really like her… but for about everything else, i don’t. and that’s not good. if i’m in a relationship, i want it to be me and my partner, not me, my partner and whoever else, which to an extent, it was. he even told me that if she and i got along, our relationship would be better. to me it just seemed like her opinion influenced his. not good. don’t like that AT ALL. third- he wants to stay in japan and make money- i want to see the world. we want to be in different locations- we want different things- staying in a relationship where important wants are different isn’t so good. don’t ge tme wrong, i think some differences are good and to an extent necessary, but where and how to live? i think some agreement on that is necessary. and we wouldn’t have that. fourth… his idea is marrige=kids. otherwise, it’s just a piece of paper, so what’s the point? my view is 100% opposite. if the only reason to get married is to have children- don’t. if you don’t love a person enough to commit to them, and only them, you have no business starting a family together. if you aren’t willing to commit without kids, probably divorce will just happen after the kids, and that’s something i don’t want to deal with. and… i think the list could go on. the man isn’t capable of listening. we can’t talk about anything too serious- both of us get way too heated up and end up just getting angry. and he likes to talk down to just about everyone, which throughly irritates the hell out of me. BUT- even with my head knowing all that, i miss him. for every day stuff, it’s so so so much fun. and… he can be a real sweetie. i was sick this last week… and he came by to make dinner, get me meds, and then my bike needed to be picked up from the shop (about an hour away) so we went there together- come to find out that there were some other things wrong so we would have to come back. he happily volunteered to come back, wasn’t angry about wasting time (even though he had just gotten of the night shift and was dead tired) and then when it looked like we wern’t going to be able to go back when planned (due to snow) and the only time he could go was when i was at work, he offered to go and get the thing by himself. i thought it was sweet. being with him makes me happy… even though i know in my head it wouldn’t work. i’ll get over it, and i’ll move  on. in the meantime though, i’ll keep moving and keep doing the things that i know i need to, and i’ll keep doing the things that make me happy. and on that note- room’s warm so time to rearrange! hope everyone has a great… it’s friday there now, isn’t it? right, so have a great friday!

well, i’m not sure what happened these last couple months… i hit my mini goal, and then… i didn’t really do anything. i kept exercising, but not as much and the eating has been sliding back into bad habits… i haven’t gained, but i haven’t really lost anything either. i think i kind of stopped caring too much about losing weight- i didn’t want to gain, but i just wasn’t too motivated to put forth the effort to lose. well, i realized last night that this is the lowest i’ve been since i was like 16… and while that’s great, and i’m looking and feeling a lot better, it’s not where i want to be. and even if later i decide that this is the best weight, which i don’t think it is, i don’t want to give up halfway and just say eh, good enough, and settle. i’ve settled way too often in life- and it’s not good. it’s not good for me, and it’s not good for the people around me. so- i’m going to follow this through and get to my goal! it’s definately not as easy in winter… it’s cold, i don’t want to go outside and exercise and dvd’s just aren’t as much fun, even though i have found a few i really like. i miss the variety, i suppose. but- that’s not the point. most things that are worth doing take a bit, or more than just a bit, of effort. so- time to get going again. i need to do this for myself- i need to actually follow through on my goals and dreams- no more of just thinking or half assed doing things, i’m going to finish this!

i’ve bene thinking about things that are importan to me and trying to figure out what to do with myself for the rrest of my life. and i came to the conclusion… i can’t plan it all. i don’t know what i want to do 30 years from now, but i do know what’s importan tto me now, so i need to follow that. where that will lead, i don’t know. but it’s a start, and sometimes thats all we have. it makes me so sad, b’c i think in some ways my not knowing what i’m doing and not having any direction is what caused my ex to lose interest… got tired of me talking a little about something only to see no action and then start talking about something else… and still no action. doing lip service and not really doing anything. well, i’ve had enough. i’m tired of waiting for things to happen and i’m tired of settling… so if i want something, i’m going to have to do it myself. i want a relationship, i want a partner, boyfriend or husband, that really cares about me and loves me, someone to share my life with… BUT- i really have no control over that, so while it may be a cause for some sadness that that is missing, i cannot force another person’s feelings and i shouldn’t wait around either… there are other important things in life and that is one thing i really have very little to no control over. so- time to move on and follow other paths.

as for what’s next… i’m planning on doing some volunteer work. i’m  getting a little impatient b/c i don’t know what’s going on with my job- i have at least until feb, but i don’t know after that. part of me wants to say longer- leaving with a little more money would be nice, but part of me just wants to get the hell out of here are start moving. i’ve been stagnant for way too long… i want to move, i want to change.

well, i don’t have much of anything spectacular or inspirational to write today… i’m finding i’m getting even more and more bitter and jaded about the whole breaking up with my ex… i was really happy with him… and i dunno… i guess i just feel betrayed and lonely and worthless. and it sucks. i find myself going from sad to angry to wanting him to care about me again… it’s pathetic and it’s making me irritated that that it’s having such an influence on me. this summer things were so much fun with him, and it really made weight loss so much easier. now… it’s kind of like to joy is gone. lol- but maybe it’s not him, maybe it’s the summer weather that i’m missing! but i think not. i need to get out of this funk that i’m in right now… i don’t like it. anyway- that’s my sob story for the moment.
right- so the goals for today! drink 2 L of water, get in at least an hour of exercise, 5 servings of fruits and veggies and no junk!! lol- one day at a time.

well, it’s been a while since i posted, so i thought i should. there’s not too much to say, still going at it, doing ok… and my bf and i broke up. that sucks. still doesn’t feel like it though; we went out yesterday and then again today… it just hurts. he’s got faults, but… i still want to be with him. he makes me happy. enough of that, though. whining isn’t going to do me any good.

weight loss… well, after a month of losing nothing, i finally go the scales to move! that was happy. i need to figure out a better winter/cold weather exercise routine cause cycling and running have amounted to about nothing for the past couple weeks… doesn’t help that my bike is having some problems. i’ve started eating sweets again with my coffee- not good! time to cut that back out. and drink more water. all in all though, not bad, but i don’t want to stall again. humm… what else… i think i figured out what i’m going to do with myself!! at least, after i leave japan. i’m going to volunteer at an orphanage for about 6 months… i’m really excited about it. well, i’m oging to try at least, if they’ll take me. and if not, i’ll try to find some other place. but… the thought of being able to help kids in some way just… i dunno… feels right? i hope things work out! i’m sure they will. anyway, that’s about it for now… hope everyone’s doing good!

hi everyone! haven’t writen anything in a while, so i thought i would. the funk seems to have finally lifted (thank god!) and i’m feeling a lot better lately… i think my trip to tokyo helped! didn’t do awesome today- there was haloween candy at work and i ended up eating a chocolate spider and 2 kitkats.. and then i brought some of it home with me! stupid! so as i was sitting down in front of my computer, i decided it was truely stupid to eat the thing, so i finished unwapping it and threw it in the garbage. lol- there’s will power starting to reassert itself! yay will power! ok- now i’m off to do something hopefully productive and then go to sleep. hope everyong is doing great!

need to get out of this funk! i haven’t been eating so well… and i haven’t lost anything for 2 1/2 weeks. not good. and i know i’m eating b/c of emotions… and that’s stupid. but somehow, i’m just having a hard time careing. lol- why am i being so pathetic?? well, off for a walk now that its almost midnight and then sleep. tomorrow’s a new day!

i maintained last week, and i maintained again this week. not what i want to be doing! i want to lose! eating hasn’t been the best, my mood hasn’t been the best, exercise hasn’t been the best… seems like nothing this week has!! so, the goal for the new week- eat more fruit and veggies, less bread, less sweats, exercise every day, drink more water and back to no dairy and meat. i started adding a little meat and dairy in the last couple weeks, and since then i’ve noticed i feel tired and yukky most days and just generally not so great, and i’ve not lost anything since then. so, back to what was working and making me feel better. lol- i just wish i could get some of the soy stuff here that i could get back home!! ah, well. i’ll manage. humm… haha… and my bike is screwed! not quite sure how i did it, but i managed to get the chain on my bike messed up enough that i need to take of the gears to get the thing straighted out… only problem is i don’t know what i’m doing. i messed with it for a bit, but no luck. guess i’m going to have to take it in and have someone teach me how boo! what a waste of time and money. in the meantime though, its running, strength training (finally did that this week for the first time in years!!) swimming, walking and dvds. lol- i think i can keep myself busy. too much stuff to do… i want to start knitting again now that the weather is cooling down, i need to study more, i want to read more and i need to figure out what to do with my life!! finished a book called “three cups of tea” the other week . i’d recommend it. not the most spectacularly written, but a really interisting (true) story that more than makes up for it. its about a guy building schools in pakistan and afghanistan… lol, man, my discription really does not do it justice. good book , though. if any of you have time, i’d say read it. check it out from the library. i miss having a library     :(   umm… right. on that note, i think its time to go study for a bit then go to bed!  hope everyone is doing great!